10 Commandments for Driving on Oahu

1. Never go west between 2:00-8:00. Unless you enjoy long swaths of time staring at the break lights of the car in front of you. Or if you have an especially long book on tape you’ve been wanting to listen to. Or if you have a fresh box of malasadas that need to be eaten and relished in solitude. Remember: If no one sees you eat a malasada, it never happened….

2. Never go west before 2:00. They like to close 4 of the 5 lanes just to see the traffic back up at a non-rush hour time of day. Trust me, just don’t go west. Really. It’s not worth it. There’s nothing there for you. Unless you live there of course, in which case…why, just why?

3. If you come to a 4-way stop sign, take turns going based on who got to the stop sign first. Unless you’re in a hurry, or you just feel like going, in which case, by all means, go whenever you like.

4. Don’t concern yourself with your turn signal. It’s better to keep people on their toes, always guessing which way you’ll go. Driving’s more fun that way.

5. Don’t try to be smart and take a shortcut around a traffic jam. Trust me, 3,000 other drivers have the exact same idea.

6. Learn to balance selfish driving with aloha driving. If everyone drives selfishly and lets no cars out, no one will ever get anywhere. If everyone drives with aloha and lets every car out, no one will ever get anywhere.

7. Forget speed limits. If you’re not impeded by traffic or rain, go, just go. Fly like the wind.

8. Forget road names. Kahakahai or Kahakuhi? Who the heck can remember which one it is? Better to remember to turn by the Jack in the Box and Food Land.

9. Never assume. Roads like to peel off to unknown destinations with no notice. Lanes like to suddenly become parking lots. Streets like to change names for absolutely no reason. Always be prepared for the road you’re on to dive into the Pacific at any moment.

10. Always take the scenic route. Life’s too short to not engulf yourself in beauty at every opportunity. You’re one of the few, blessed people who get to drive on this island. Remind yourself that it is, indeed, a blessing.